I Miss Her.

Picture of us in "88"

On April 8th, 2009, I lost the second most important woman in my life, my dear mother. Last year in November, my dear Aunt died. Oh how I loved her so much. My Aunt raised all my Aunts, my mother and me. Then a five months later, my mother dies.

How do I feel since my mother passed away? I feel alone, scared, helpless, and sad. I haven't even mourned the proper way for my mother. Everytime I dream about her, I wake up crying. My husband, may Allah reward him, comforts me the best way he can. I'm sure he even cries with me. I wouldn't know because I'm too busy crying myself.

I'm still in denial about her death. In my heart, I still feel she's alive. I just don't know where she is? I catch myself wanting to call her. I talk about my mother to my husband as if she was still alive. When I talk about her, I remember the good times we had. I don't focus on the bad times. My mother was a bit rude with me but I forgave her. My mother talked ugly to us, but I got over it. The main thing is, I loved my mother, man did I love her so much.

Being pregnant is a blessing. I'm happy, but I get sad too. I get sad because my mother isn't here. Okay my baby will have their great grandmother, but that isn't good enough for me. My mother is what I want. If I could ask for two things in this world, it would be to have my Aunt and my mother back.

People tell me to what, "get over it" about my mother's death. I know death is a part of life. When you start talking out of your ass by telling people to "get over it", you really need to hush. When someone tells me that, I look at them and say, "Whenever the time comes and you lose a parent, I'll be the first one to say, "get over it" if not worse." Then I get the, "Oh I'm sorry" pfft! whatever. I will not "get over it". I will take all the time in the world to mourn for my mother. You only get one parent. You can't make a parent, have a parent, adopt a parent, or even go find one.

My dear mother. I love you so much. My dreams of you will never die for those are the times I get to see you, hug, hold you, and even smell your perfume. I cherish those dreams deeply.

Love Your Mija Always,
Amira